| I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow |
[06 Oct 2009|01:50am] |
I hope it bleeds all day long.
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises.
We're pretty sure they're all wrong.
I hope it stays dark forever
And I hope the worst isn't over
And I hope you blink before I do
And I hope I never get sober.
I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say.
And I hope that if I find the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way.
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die.
It's amazing how thought is raw creativity. How we think something, and if we think it enough, it comes true. Inevitably and always. It seems that after years of considering myself one thing, it turns out that's what I am. In this case it happens to be a negative thing that I speak of, but I'm sure it works in the positive direction as well. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I think once you start gaining momentum in any one direction, it's easy to continue. And harder to slow down and switch directions.
I did a lot of freelance work today.
Mom is coming for a visit tomorrow. Maybe we'll go to a museum. We'll definitely eat somewhere great.
I'm worried about making rent. Terrified actually, but not able to be terrified. It's only hypothetical.
I'm in love again and it doesn't matter. I fall in love weekly probably, but I'm not sure.
I'm really into Edith Zimmerman right now. I'm not sure why. She writes these stories that are half ironic, half terrifying/gruesome, and half make no sense at all. It makes as much sense as three halves adding to a whole. She makes no sense, yet she makes all the sense in the world.
Today she tweeted: "Ugh it sucks when you're out by the pool and the sun is so shiny you can't see your computer perfect, but you can see it OK. FML."
She's a genius, or at least pretty smart.
I also found this great Pink Floyd cover by Holly Miranda (formerly of The Jealous Girlfriends) accompanied by The Antlers. It's here.
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| Greatness |
[22 Feb 2009|11:06pm] |
I've been thinking about greatness and goals a lot today. Thinking about them like I've never thought about them before in my life. I thought about how I want so much, but I don't really know what it is that I want. I have so much frustration about the status of my life, yet I've forgotten the alternative.
I watch the Oscars. I look at these people, some who are my age or not much older...some even younger...and their accomplishments. I think about where some people are at my age in their lives. Some accomplish so much more, some less. I wonder about fame, if I've ever wanted it. Where is my goal? Where did they go? I had them once.
I know everyone has their own paths in life. Some people's lives are remarkable, yet unrecognized by everyone. Sometime's people are the entire world to just one person, or a few people and they will never be famous....just in their own realities. So I guess the question of fame remains to be relative.
I've never wanted fame, to be in the public eye. Sure, maybe your name lives on longest that way but it's not so much my name living on that I care about as much as giving to people. I want to live. I want to live and give of myself...and take what others have to give. I just want to be and absorb everything the world has to offer and leave it for others to witness, who may not experience quite as much. Is this my goal? If I don't know where I'm going, I'll never get there. Or will I? I know what I'm doing is necessary right now, but I also know it's wrong. This is the adult world beating me into a malleable piece of silver so that I can be bent to its will, and forget my own. Fuck that.
I just got finished reading Farenheit 451 the other night. It's about how technology leads to a society of people who forget to care. No one loves or cares are experiences. They burn all the books they can so that no one will feel pain, no one will feel at all. I feel our society, scary enough, does reflect this prediction in a way. People are violent to each other and don't care. Everything is instantaneous and fleeting. Need gratification? Go on craigslist and find a ho. No one loves anymore. I'd be interested to move to a new place and just see what happens.
All I think about is taking a road trip across the country. Just getting in my car and getting out of here. Life is too short to be wasted...so why are we taught to "be reasonable"?
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| I will be your one more time if you will be my one last chance |
[04 Feb 2009|10:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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New Motels |
] |
Drawing is definitely comparable to sex. Such a therapeutic outlet.
Had an energizing conversation last week with a guy in a band who is a painter. He told me a few things that gave me strength to remember who I am. Can you believe I forgot? Me neither. 'Fuck You' Recession. 'Fuck You', Pessimistic Mother. 'Fuck You', Negativity. I'm out. My skin feels like maybe I'm starting to grow back into it. Maybe it's vaguely comfortable again.
I'll flip my hair if I want to. I'll lay in bed all day if I want to. I'll drink beer and cry and let my bra straps show. I'll dance when there's no music and live when everyone else dies and drive to Canada alone. And FUCK YOU for telling me I shouldn't. Dig yourself six feet under, I'm staying above water.
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| If things start splitting at the seams now |
[04 May 2008|10:27pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Band Of Horses |
] |
It all comes tumbling down
I really want to leave my past in the past when I leave here.
Does anyone have some good rituals or things to do to rid yourself of your past and move on?
I could use them.
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| Bad That Is Beautiful |
[24 Mar 2008|03:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lethargic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Littlest Man Band |
] |
Sometimes I wonder how I got here...
I first got hooked on livejournal senior year of high school. At that time, having a "LJ" was the "cool" thing to do; it was just another way us suburban kids furthered unnecessary petty drama to fill up our easy, boring lives. My best friend senior year of hs and I were friends on livejournal with this guy who we didn't know. I don't know how we ever found him on this wide web, but I remember we always use to comment on each other's journals. My friend at the time and I were so fascinated by him. He was this model boy who was a bit older and lived in NYC. He was beautiful and poetic and so damn nice, it was hard to resist. This guy was part of some sort of circle of friends that frequented short story writing and photography. His journal was littered with this stuff. Going back and reading his old entries now (I'm pretty sure he's long forgotten about stupid livejournal and hasn't updated in over a year), they remind me of a lot of important things. I want to share some of his stuff to bring me back to certain ideals I hold dear. We will call these things "Jester Excerpts". So here's the first "Jester Excerpt":
KHF
----------------------------
he looks over at her and says, "i'm pretty sure neither of us ever made love before. yeah we probably fucked and had sex but never made love. it's a surreal concept to me. it's like hunting for a black unicorn...like finding the holy grail. don't you feel that's really the ultimate purpose?"
she smiles and looks over at him and wonders what has brought such a conversation on... then says "what..to find a black unicorn? oh absolutely..."
he ignores her comment and continues, "money, power, love...you know why people strive for these things? the lengths of their lives are finite and they don't want to be forgotten once they aren't here in physical form... so one way to be remembered is by amassing great amount of power or money. however, rarely do people obtain such legendary power and fortune. so most of us turn to love to be remembered. so we marry and leave kids.."
she looks a little confused.
he clarifies, "to chronicle your life, your journey with another almost every step of the way...for her to remember something about your life and leave something together in this world...that's amazing. it's like when you carve your name on a picnic table as a kid like 'tommy loves sally'.. it is proclaiming to the world that you were once here and you once loved. we find comfort in being reassured that our lives will be remembered by someone."
sensing that the conversation has taken a little too much of a serious tone...more so than he would have liked, he says "in essence, love is like finding an autobiographer who is also a great fuck"
she laughs.
he smiles and continues, "well... that's me 'on love and aspirations.' this conversation took an uncharacteristic turn for the deeper end of the thinking pool...perhaps we should put on our life jackets and jump towards the shallow end."
she says, "you don't need a life jacket for that."
he finishes his drink and says "you never know. deep conversations have a tendency to swallow you up and make you fall in love with someone. be careful...put on a life jacket. everything is insured these days...might as well insure your emotions."
ArtistikEyedea & I. B. Jester :: C Life Productions
-----------------------------------------------------
sometimes i hope i'll bump into him into the city and just know it's him.
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| Breaking his heart |
[23 Mar 2008|02:50pm] |
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Does anyone have a how to on breaking a boy's heart?
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| Remember be better |
[18 Mar 2008|11:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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exasperated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Tulsa |
] |
Lovers like we are should really be better to each other.
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like under different circumstances. I wonder if I would be such a different type of person if my dad had never left, or if I had made a different best friend in 5th grade, or if I never went to camp. I'm sure the answer is yes, but I just wonder how different.
How deep does the music go? Are you born with it? Is it a trait given to you by your family growing up? Is it a product of some event or chain of events? If I was an eskimo in the north pole, would I have the same sort of passion for music that I do now? Would I wrap all of my passion and happiness and sorrows around it like I do now?
Are people like me destined to be tested in certain areas of life until we're so lost in our own heads that we feel like we won't ever find our way back? Is that fate or just a consequence of some action?
I get deja vu a lot. Followed by that, sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream. Today that was especially true. There was a span of a week or two where I was having bad dreams every night. I would wake up crying or almost crying. It fades after you wake up a little, but it comes back at you throughout the day. You'll get a weird feeling and then you'll remember it's because of the bad thing you experienced...in your dreams. It's awful.
I had a professor in a Magic & Religion class sophomore year who used to tell me that if I lived in a culture where such a thing existed, I would be marked a shaman. The story goes that shamans are born to be such, and they are tortured with bad luck until they realized their calling. Then their luck changes and they dedicate their lives to healing. Again, I wonder...
I've been wondering and wandering all day long and frankly, I'm exhausted.
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| Only Love Can Break Your Heart |
[17 Mar 2008|07:24pm] |
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Sometimes I wanna kick things. But I don't.
The birthday's coming up quick.
Potential present: punching bag? Just sayin...
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| Oscars |
[24 Feb 2008|10:52pm] |
Quotes I love from tonight:
"Make art, make art." - Glen Hansard
"I don't think this means I am somebody, but I guess I'm on my way." - Cher
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| I'm tearing all my posters off the wall |
[11 Jan 2008|07:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Velvet Teen |
] |
As I got off the highway and prepared to make the left turn onto campus for my last semester, I took a look around and my mind started racing. I thought about all the history I made at this one place. I thought about how each semester had a different feeling due to the events that shaped it...and I thought about how this is the last chapter in this book of my life. I don't feel sad that it is ending; I'm more in awe of how one place, one time in your life, one experience can be so dynamic and cause one person to grow so much. Besides that, I'm a little excited to start my life, armed with everything I have learned in and out of class, not just within this campus, but within this journey that was the last four years. I don't want to get into all the ups and downs specifically; those are special and only meant to be shared with the people involved, no one else cares. I choose to focus on the big picture. I see where I'm going, and the fact that it's a road that could end up in any one of a million different places doing a million different things is so liberating. I'm looking forward to it.
I know this will be a good semester. My best friend who was abroad last semester will be back with a vengeance, and other things going on, I know will amount to a lot of good times. It's just weird that everything I do now is a last. And everything that I want to alter about my physical appearance get the consideration of "Will this look good in my graduation pictures?" before I commit. It's a really strange, exciting time and taking it one day after the next is really the most logical and pleasurable way.
I will write a book one day, I bet. It will include all the ridiculous things that have happened in my life. And it all started in college...
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| Dear Ryan Sheckler |
[08 Jan 2008|10:51pm] |
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I have a completely inappropriate crush on you. You need to train yourself for the next few years and call me when you're legal and ready for me. Oh lord, I bet you still sleep in a race car bed or something.
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[21 May 2007|12:33pm] |
FRIENDS ONLY!
comment to be added
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| Maybe I will feel better |
[16 Apr 2007|08:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sore |
] |
I used to write poetry
Not so much anymore
I used to think that saying one thing
Then saying the complete opposite was creative
But it's really just confusing.
I never want to be one of the confused people
At least, I'll never admit to it.
Poetry flows out of my lips and through my fingertips
That's what I said back in the day
But it's not true.
It goes straight from my gut to the page
That's how it should be.
I'm a clever girl with a lot to say
I don't understand how I feel so stupid all the time.
Not just in love situations, because that's a given
But just in life in general.
I read others' words and they are so deliberate.
I want to be that way too, but I don't want to be closed-minded.
There has to be a balance
I'm trying to find a balance.
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